These quotes are a collection of funny statements taken completely out of context and most likely not accurate to what was actually said. Last names are not used and not all quotes are from people I know personally.....
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it" ~ Farris
"Don't Even Worry 'Bout It" ~ Greg Thibadeau
"I don't have a problem, I have a pill!" ~ Eli
"Dude, just take lefts, the mathematics will show"~ Big Rich
"I'm Cocaine, I'm Cocaine!" ~ Julie
"Dude, all i need is a bag a coke and a BB gun, ill get the balloons down." ~ Beetle
"What did you expect poetry" Oliver
"Richie, what's wrong with your exhaust?" ~ Joe Oyanadel
"Adam, do you know you have an eagle on your shirt?" ~ Katie
"What brought us all here man?" ~ Eli
"It's such a deep wound, it goes all the way to the red stuff!" ~ Julie
"How come when anyone says to me, we need to talk it's never a good thing~!" ~ Adam
"So you get your name in the paper, big deal!" ~ Eli
"You only get one shot at this shit" ~ Eli's outlook on how life is too short
"OJOG! Little rough around the edges but it'll get the job done" ~ Beetle's idea on repackaging GoJo as a body wash.
"Get workin' on that. That's the new quote. Whenever you come up with some random idea for something, say, "Get workin' on that." Like these comment windows on myspace should have spell checker... Get workin' on that, will you?" Oliver
ME: "oh i didn't mean to be nosey i was JW."
LINDSEY: "George Washington?"
"The first couple hours were awesome, but then i realized, Women are fuckin' ANOYING!" ~ Beetle talking about being the only boy on a school trip to Costa Rica with twenty three hot girls.
"She had a few drinks too, so that just made her way out in left field" ~ Big Rich
"Hi Whore" ~ Oliver
"Hey Richie, what are you doing tonight, watching Will and Grace while eating Ice Cream?" ~ Kaitlin
"But then its drugs, right now its just weed" ~ Eli
"You know Clinton was almost a great president, close, but no cigar" ~ Joe Oyanadel
ME: "Dad what do Hawaiians call soccer?"
BIG RICH: "Gay"
"It just tastes way over mass produced" ~ Eli on Dominos pizza
"I almost asked her out but she was never home" ~ Oliver
"dude it was the coolest tie, it was like a normal tie, but it had a clip on the back so you don't have to tie it!" ~ Adam
"Dude, my name is chodey" ~ Beetle making fun of Kevin Chodey's name
"If i went to public school i would have lost it a lot earlier!" ~ Little Mary
"he died, he was leading a game of simon says when all of a sudden he collapsed, he kept shouting call an ambulance but no one moved" ~ Roy Biggins
"I swear my dad said specifically not to fuck any monkeys" ~ Eli
"Dude, your making me wet" ~ Beetle
"My dad had dinner with a tap dancer!" ~ Little Mary
"Dude, i'm not gonna suck it, am i?" ~ Adam obviously forgot the term "pull through"
"Dude i tie my shit down like "whoa" ~ Eli
"Richie you sound like a snobby rich business man" ~ Beetle
"god dammit elmo, will you let me manage the fucking place please!" ~ Rich Dorais (my boss) yelling at me for having to do his job 'cus he sucks at it.
"I see a bathroom on the right!"~ Little Mary ruining the lyrics to CCR I See A Bad mood a Risen
"I'm not gonna lie that hurt! But not as much as this is gonna hurt" ~ Beetle as he put the GasMask on.
"Dude, Iris! That goes back centuries!" ~ Big Rich
"I always wanted to be "that guy" ya know, your friends say "that guys hilarious, i love that guy, you never met that guy!" ~ Eli
"I wouldn't ever do it, but i bet it'll work" ~ Katie talking me into rubbing GoJo into my shorts to take the stains out. (i would like to also add that to this day i still use GoJo to get stains out of my laundry and i cannot find any stain remover that works any better, try it)
ME: "did you put dryer sheets in there?"
ADAM: "what are those?
"We don't pay you to work you motherfucker!" Eli teaching Yeff the BlueFox mentality.
"yea, I heard you guys talking about it, but i was too busy contemplating my own existence to pay attention" ~ Eli
"Dude thats it, just go for the girl on the fridge" ~ Big Rich
"dude it your coughing up blood you need to consult your physician immediately" ~ Eli
"packing the bearings" ~ Beetle
"accept the whole affair thing, i'm down with that" ~ K. Bills
"I'm not situated!" ~ Adam going for a death ride on the hood of my truck.
"The ride has now come to a conclusion" ~ Beetle giving rides with my truck
"Haha, Blowjob!" ~ K. Bills making fun of BJ Butch
"I'm not really down with this, but i'm having a great time. . . so fuck it!" ~ Beetle doing power hour
"that was a meet jesus candle" ~ My aunt Kath talking about the fireworks that put roman candles to shame!
"If you tell anyone about this i'll fucking kill you!" ~ Me telling Yeff id kill him if he told on me for taking a soda without paying for it.
"Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Beetle" ~ Oliver, If you know beetle, you'll get it.
"i'm the stupidest motherfucking genius on the face of the earth" ~ Oliver
"You know how I know your schizophrenic. . . . I don't exist" ~ Richie
"It's a lot easier to break up with girls when you're not going out with them!" ~ Indy being a slut
"Dude i don't even want to go to the bathroom right now i'm having such a good time!" ~ Beetle
"Adam, not everyone has been to basketville" ~ K Bills
"Oh you guys are talking about basketville! I've been there! ~ Big Rich admitting that he's actually been to basketville and ruining the rash of shit we were giving Adam.
"Rich! Beetle wants me to flash the pizza guy!" ~ K Bills
"Hey i know You! ~ Me saying hi to the People's Choice delivery guy.
"you like owe us pushups or something" ~ Me yelling at Adam when he almost knocked the table and umbrella off the deck
"As Adam would say, i'm Crocked!" ~ K Bills
ADAM: I'm not vegetarian by definition, i just don't eat any meat
KATIE: So ...then you’re a Fucking vegetarian!
"vegetarianism is the practice of not eating meat" ~ Wikipedia.com
"Its not a club, it's yard full of bricks" ~ K Bills talking about the Brickyard.
"May be thats why I can't feel my face" ~ Adam
"Who cares about showers" ~ K Bills
"Beetle out" ~ Beetle saying goodnight
"Whats boog?" ~ Baller being Mormon
BALLER: "dude our waiter is so hot"
ME: haha, chris i think it's pronounced waitress.
"wait beetle lives in a house that isn't yours?" ~ K Bills
"yea its pretty sweet, but its from Ocean State job Lot so it'll only last a few days." ~ Beetle showing me a flashlight that is 1,000,000 candle power.
"it's a good thing that Beetle didn't get an eagle, I'd never let him live it down. ~ K Bills talking about Beetles tatoo.
"Your on your way to New York ! your so lucky, have fun . . . BUT please don't get into too much trouble" ~ Katie she knows us too well.
"Were in New York Nigger!" ~ Baller being a fuckin' idiot and screaming that as we roll into New York city at 11pm for a trip we decided to go on an hour prior!
"Ok, Beetle is the designated jew!" ~ Richie
"Richie, it was such a nice plaza with clean marble walls, well, beetle just pissed on it." ~ Baller talking about Beetle peeing in Rockefeller Center
"I'm gonna hit that homeless bitch with this sandal, just so i don't hurt my hand . . . may be i'll put some baby powder on it too." ~ Darrin from Sugar Ray who we met at the Today Show.
"That crazy homeless chick looks like Grace Jones" ~ Jeff from SugarRay
"who the fuck is Grace Jones? ~ Beetle
"Look at the fucking Backstreet Boys! You go Backstreet Boys!" ~ Random black guy in New York taunting Beetle, Chris and Me.
"How the fuck do i get out of this dump nigger~!" ~ Baller screaming out his window to find a way out of NYC
"I can't believe you guys go to new york city in the middle of the night on a whim and end up meeting celebrities and being on national television, i mean, what the fuck!." ~ Adam
"Yea i wanna do a drug named crank." ~ C - Money
"I've never met people like you before." ~ Stephanie Doplease (referring to me uncle moe and Oliver)
"dude would that "fuck up" mind if you took off" ~ Beetle referring to Sheldon, any rock and bowl peeps would laugh at this one!
"you guys are like pros" ~ BJ and Cody
"p.s. I love fruit punch" ~ Beetle
"why don't you stop cooking first" ~ Big Rich
"I've been drunk before, but it feels like i'm having sex right now" ~ Oliver
"Haha, stop touching me you sexy beast you know that turns me on . . . your the f.a.g nigga ha ha scared ya lol im so high nigga" "Ille cut his essay ~ Beetle (random text message at 1am )
"How is it sexual harassment if all i do is ask a girl if she wants to get laid?" ~ Oliver
"Sexual harassment is any unwelcome attention of a sexual nature." ~ Wikipedia.com
"I gotta teach you a new game i made up! Its called "playing with madness" ~ Oliver
"He was in the FBI so he thought he was sooo fucking smart!" ~ Kaff
"Who the fuck is Jeff? Oh do you mean Yeff? ~ K Bills
"You call this Iced Tea! It's more like tea thats not boiled" ~ Oliver talking about Paneras sugarless iced tea.
"dude, she was a slut in JUNIOR High!" ~ Zack
"My cat never meowed the same" ~ Beetle
ME: "You guys take such good care of me."
MY GRANDFATHER: "I know, we're sick people."
"dreadlocks are fucking awesome, you know how sweet i'd look!" ~ Beetle
"You need to drink of the nectar of the Valium root." ~ Oliver
"Who the fuck is Dr. Phil?" ~ Beetle
ZACH: "Are you getting wet Beetle?"
BEETLE: "I don't know, I mean, I'm not even sure"
"Rich, All women are psycho" ~ Officer Christian
"Its subway, not a fucking career" ~ Zach
"He's a fruit, he's an F. A. G fruit." ~ Oliver
"compound interest is fuckin' dank" ~ Me talking to my financial adviser and making him laugh.
"Can you here me" ~ Beetle (text from beetle, first pay attention to the spelling of hear, also note, it's a text message asking if I can hear him)
"Sometimes you gotta ignore the truth just to stay sane" ~ Oliver
ZACHS DAD: Zack don't tell your mom
ZACH: Ugh, dad she's in the back seat.
"Your not a bad person just because your a pedophile" ~ Oliver
It'll take forty years to grow but boy will it be satisfying." ~ Big Rich discussing the ridiculousness of a bonzi tree.
"Surgery is awesome, its just pressin the button and watchin Real World" ~ Keenan talking about having surgery and loving the pain killers and MTV.
"I just wish the whole world woke up at five pm " ~ Oliver
"You have to be diluted to like George Bush"
INDY: "Would you ever consider being a priest?"
OLIVER: "If i could still fuck chicks, yea i'd be into it!"
"So I watch golden girls in the morning, SUE ME!" ~ Oliver
"Its a hip hop world, either you get hip, or you get the fuck outa the way" ~ Dr. Kelso
"I wish i had a kid with down syndrome, it would make such a good christmas card." ~ Kathleen
"I just played a magic trick on myself" ~ Oliver
ADAM: "I don't know if you'll like it, its country music"
ME: "I like country"
ADAM: "no this is real country"
ME: "Oh, never mind then"
"I would love to go to the shooting range with you and listen to rap" ~ Eli
"I only wanna go if i can get really drunk first" ~ Cody talking about going to see the Transiberian Orchestra and only wanting to go if he was drunk cus' they're soooo lame (which is true).
" I just got all my christmas shopping done there!" ~ BJ talking about christmas shopping at Cumberland Farms.
"thats whoreable" ~ Oliver
"elmo your so beautiful, by the way i'm just crazy i'm not drunk, please call me sometime" ~ Vicki (hot customer from rock and bowl)
"taste like the industrial revolution" ~ Eli's opinion on Dominos shitty pizza
"I can't read that fucked up" ~ Zach
"I think even jesus is over it by now. . . christ!" ~ Oliver talkin about the crucifixion.
ADAM: "do i look lost?"
"that girl makes my pubes itch" ~ Oliver talking about shakira and her crabs problem.
"they want me to prove that i taught at a school for the blind, but i don't speak sign language." ~ Julie
"one day i'm gonna have to punch one of your friends in the face, just so they will take me serious" ~ Oliver mad cus' I called him a homo cus's he's such a homophobe.
"Whats that song Statutory about?"
"NOTHING" ~ Eli telling us how we'd have to respond
"No Wonder i have lint in my mouth! I'm wiping it with my shirt" ~ Oliver
ZACH: "How long did it take you to get here?
BEETLE: " Well i went 95 the whole way back in the amigo"
"The shuffle is Broke!" ~ Zach
"Wondershowzen was so intense it made me wanna puke" ~ Beetle
"I feel like a Nazi" ~ Greg playing with my asp, baton
"this song is about coming back . . . not cuming on MY back, but coming back, haha! . . . oh shit please don't quote me on that!" ~ Aunt Kath
"It's really not that much, two and a half cartons." ~ Oliver and his cigarettes
"Third Eye Blind BLOWS" ~ Richie
"Have you ever had those liquid ice things? They're creepy." ~ Indy
"Go in my door and close my room" ~ Richie
"I feel like Oliver, it's like how did i know?" ~ Indy playing a magic trick on himself by reaching into his pocket and finding a pick he didn't know he had.
TV: "It's one of the biggest musical movements of our lifetime"
BIG RICH: "Yea, more like biggest bowel movements"
TimeLife's advertisement for one of the largest compilation of completely worthless talentless music called "Goin' South"
"Metallica BEEELOWS!" . . . "I mean, id rather listen to nothing at all for the rest of my life then only be able to listen to metallica." ~ Richie
"Hey i need your help, i just got impregnated by a 30 year old guy and I'm only 16, but i wanna have the baby, what do i do? ~ Indy
"hey perfect song! 'cus I'm about to do some crazy shit in dads car" ~ Me merging across three lanes on route 84 so i wouldn't miss 384 to bring Indy home. p.s. the song was Just Because by Janes Addiction
"I'd rather be a farmer then fight a war!" ~ Zach talking about ethanol.
"I wish i could afford the shit they're smoking" ~ Jimmy teasing Yeff, Cody, BJ, Travis and Reed
"THATS CAT FOOD!" ~ Rocky referring to me eating liverwurst
MY GRANDMOTHER: "He was giving me so much shit for having a drinking problem"
OLIVER: "What did he say?"
MY GRANDMOTHER: "Well i don't remember exactly what he said, i mean, I was drunk."
"ooops . . . fuck I farted" ~ Oliver
"All you have to do is take 91 north to 291 then get off your first exit, take your first right onto Dwight street and there they are." ~ Rocky giving us explicit instructions on where to find the best, hottest, cleanest and cheapest hookers around.
MY GRANDMOTHER: "She wanted to leave to go to tae kwan do."
OLIVER: "Yea somewhere where there's less tension!"
"We're not playing Spin the Bottle; how old are we? More importantly, how old are they?" ~ Largeman
"Fresbie? I always considered that a dogs sport" ~ Bruce
"what if i was retarded and no one told me" ~ Oliver
ME: "rock how do you feel about gay marriage?
ROCKY: "Just as long as they're not boogs"
"elmo… that bitch is crazy, i mean shes floatin somewhere around saturn." ~ Rob-O
"I wish women were born without vocal chords" ~ Oliver
"If it takes rocky more then 5 minutes to fix it, theres no way i could fix it at all." ~ Paul
"I've learned to expect the unexpected" ~ Cody
"could I be considered a shaman?" ~ Oliver
TRAVIS: "He always had something in his mouth, like, every time I looked over."
OLIVER: "Yea kinda like you mother!"
"Hey rich, how about tonight I sleep in your bed, homo!" ~ Travis winning at the "gay out" game
"oh what movie is this, "GO, life begins at 3am ," hey it's a movie for you Oliver!" ~ Cody
"but she's attractive and i know how you are so . . ." ~ Adam
"you just have so much money, i mean you’re just rich . . . holy shit . . . ok, we'll just leave that one alone" ~ BJ just realizing my name has more than one meaning.
"mm, Lysol, the smell of puke!" ~ Oliver
"shit, i had a game tomorrow; i mean . . . i have a game tomorrow." ~ Yeff
"I can't really picture her naked, I mean I've seen her naked before I just can’t picture it." ~ Yeff
CARA: "Cody why are you so fucked up?"
CODY B: "Well, I drank a lot, ive smoked a lot. I did three strike outs, I'm pretty fuckin tired too and I didn't eat much today . . . . . . . . or it might just be the mushrooms I ate."
"rich you gotta try this, you've recently had vomit in your mouth" ~ BJ saying that Sam Adams Boston Ale taste exactly like vomit (p.s. he was right)
BJ: "Yo lets put a old cigarette butt in a jelly doughnut and feed it to Reid!"
ME: "That's so dick!"
BJ: "Hey its better then the time we made him drink a full bottle of piss and didn't tell him."
"I was just about to go to bed, and I was thinking about Satan . . ." ~ Oliver
"fuckin chicks are so dumb with that weight shit, its like; Oh my God, I weigh 85 pounds, I can't even lift 85 pounds, that's so heavy! I'm that fat!" ~ Oliver
"kids, day know stuff" ~ Crazy black lady in my Analytical Psychology of Offenders class telling everyone your toddler knows about drugs.
"We just need more old white males to die." ~ Telling my class what the world need to become more liberal towards women.
"the problem today aint nothin other then crack babies, all these children born in the eights had dem' parents smokin crack, or dem whites, they do the coke! So dem kids born in the da eighties, day all just crack babies! All of um!" ~ same crazy black lady totally knocking me and Steve in class.
"see, martha stewart, she got dem' hook ups, we all got hook ups!" ~ same crazy black lady defending martha stewart.
"see the problem in da city is niggahs can't jus share day corner, i mean, we all know ders enuff drugs around for everybody, so we jus gotta stop this "this is my corner" bullshitt and jus' share corners, ya know!" ~ crazy black lady
"a 17year old with a 12 year old ain't wrong, its jus' experimenting" ~ crazy black lady
JAY: "In every magazine i read these are the statistics!" (said to the teacher)
ME: "you read Highlights magazine"
"its just like infant and toddler masturbation!" ~ Professor David Rentler
"a strong breeze could get you off" ~ Steve
"I like the smell of baby farts" ~ Steve
"you wanna pick up more older women? its so simple, you go to a soccer game, lean on the fence watch for single hot moms, then go go up to them and simply say . . ."what up baby you gotta man?" ~ Steve
ME: "I just went into the bathroom and saw Bruce the deaf kid and we just both look at each other and laughed, i mean he didn't even have to say anything to me"
STEVE: "it's cus' he can't remember"
"we should bomb them just for making that" ~ Oliver talking about bombing Japan again because of their new Beer Milk product, Bilk.
"honestly, if i fuck her i want her to just say cody's name" ~ Yeff
"there's only so many days to do so many drugs" ~ Dad talking about Amsterdam
"its scary when you look at the clock and it says 7:00 and you have no idea whether its am or pm." ~ Dad
"FUCK THIS! I'll quit smoking tomorrow" ~ Oliver
"you ever get really scared your gonna pee your bed at night?" ~ Oliver
"Indy do you want any Sam Adams Vomit Logger?" ~ BJ
ME: "what are you guys doing tomorrow?, Oh shit you have school."
CODY: "I was thinking about skipping"
ME: "that means you only went to school one day this week"
CODY: "yea, but it was a long day"
"puke seeping trough my hands, that's Beethoven" ~ Oliver
"Cigarette's are just made different now, I mean I used to be able to quit, but I just can't now" ~ women in my Organized Crime class.
"is it really that much of a miracle the I didn't get her pregnant after having unprotected sex for five years straight. I mean, all you gotta fucking do is pull out, how fucking hard is that, like you don't know when your gonna cum!" ~ Oliver
"She one day decided she was lesbian, she started the gay straight alliance at our high school, well you know, she didn't have a lot of friends anyways." ~ Cody
"Unprotected vaginal penetration is the best thing in the world . . . I'm sorry" ~ Oliver
"I might have to come over and ask yoda for my tie back, is that cool." ~ Yeff
"Travis, car, fucked up, reid, crying, oliver, goof, phychic, it's ok, jeff, cool, travis, john, walks in dark? gay?, cd, rainbow, goof, thumper, alice in wonderland, goof, psychic, oliver, its ok, my mom, I love her, rich, rich, rich, you neighbors, shit I'm sorry, jeff, cool, goof, lizards on the floor, drinking game, thumper, goof, rainbow, symbolic Did it just get lighter in here? Goof! "Travis, car, fucked up, reid, crying, oliver, goof, phychic, it's ok, jeff, cool, travis, john, gay, cd, rainbow, goof, thumper, alice in wonderland . . . etc. ~ Cody said this at lightning speed too!
CODY: "Brit, common, common."
BRIT: "Don't Come On Me!"
"Rich have you been outside, its like fucking 65 out, I was on the deck, so fuckin nice, the fuckin birds and shit" ~ Cody, what a poet.
"Look Vincent Trantolo, his mom used to bowl here . . . what a fuckin bitch she was ha." ~ Rocky
"Hey Elmo wanna meet a quitter" ~ Rocky referring to Adam
"I broke a G string while fingering A Minor" ~ Oliver playing guitar
ME: "Hey Cody are you excited about your first day of school?"
CODY: "I'm bored already"
"you need to Speak before you say anything" ~ Off. Christian
"If your calm, it has a much better impact on the people your talking to" ~ Off. Christian
"Dude, people have been calling me like crazy because they think I got someone killed" ~ Beetle
"Where were you on that one asshole" ~ Yelling at my Radar Detector
"eeewwwwwwww, It has that Puerto Rican cartoon!" ~ Oliver expressing his hate for Dora the Explorah.
"you know what's even better then waking up and smoking in the morning, making a nice mixed drink too." ~ Cody
"It blew my fucking mind pulling that lighter out of my pocket" ~ Cody
"you gotta give it to Jackie, no matter where she goes she's haulin' ass" ~ Beetle
"driving trppin is kinda fun too, its like riding a rollercoaster" ~ Cody
JULIE: "Its like one night you nice to me and the next you're a dick again, I'm so fucking sick of it, I'm so done with it"
ME: "your right, may be we should break up"
"Phil Collins" ~ Ashley
"You'd think she was working at a place where people actually gave a
shit about their fuckin jobs" ~ Rocky ranking on Cynthia, nothing new.
"I'm not even sure if he's human" ~ Adam
"FUCK THE JIMMY FUND" ~ Richie
"A good abortion is highly under rated" ~ Oliver
"All I know is I can abuse the fuck out of that thing" ~ Richie
"nothing worth having comes easy" ~ Kelso
"Labyrinth! Are you guys fucking kidding me with this shit!" ~ Oliver making fun of me and Cody
"don't women ever just get sick of bitchin'" ~ Oliver
"just when I think I have a kick ass car that asshole buys an M3" ~ Me pissed at Ivan
"I don't even wanna fuckin tell you" ~ Cody frustrated with Oliver's inability to listen to anyone's conversation other then the one is his dome.
"I can't even go to the bathroom right now I'm so ripped" ~ Oliver
"I remember the first time I punched Shannon in the face" ~ Mark
"He was paying attention to her. Pissed me off" ~ Jeff
"I'm worried about breast cancer yo" ~ Jeff getting his nipple twisted
"You guys are socialites. And proud of it?"~ Oliver ranking on my generation and my group of friends and our socialite behavior
KINDEL: "I'm gonna go take a shower"
ROCK: "but then there will be one less"
"Why do you think like that" ~ Kindel talking to Rocky
"It's good to be drunk" ~ Oliver
"It's not that I'm hungry, it's just that I can't see that well" ~ Cody
ME: Oliver have you seen the melon baller?
OLIVER: Yea he's making a playlist
"Aids isn't really that serious of a virus" ~ Cody
"…and Fuck You for making fun of me and making me look like a fucking idiot" ~ Cody, mad at me as usual
I have no Idea what this quote means, who said it, or where it came from…
"They probably all shower together"
"Isn't that what we're all doing now?
~ I have no idea who said this or When!
MIKE BLACK: "Kelly Won"
RICH: "Kelly won?"
MIKE BLACK: "No, but that's about winning for her"
"There should be a brothers day, the niggers would ruin it though" ~ Oliver
"As long as they have pubes, I'm down with that" ~ Oliver trying out for to catch a predator
"She knows what it's all about" ~ Travis
"There’s so much metal that just doesn't need to be there. I'm just
gonna start taking pieces off" ~ Cody talking about the machines at work
"Cody would be in a different black and white" ~ Reid
"Have you ever seen a brown cat" ~ Hailey
"Is pubic hair a body part" ~ Hailey
"Thanks a lot I had to hang out with fucking Adam last night while you were being a
Pedophile" ~ Justin
"Oliver is concerned about his life" ~ Cody when we went for a late night walk and Oliver was seriously fucking afraid for his life! I laughed my ass off.
"Someone just needs to whoop my ass someday" ~ Yeff
"I just wanted to see the test for next semester." Failing college
"More like requiem for a good time" ~ Oliver ranking on Requiem for a dream
"do me favor, call me back when your not Asian" ~ Me
ME: "he was in the grade below me"
JEFF: "he was in gray bologna?"
ANI: "I'm straight edge"
ASH: "I have a dysfunctional family"
"I love how ugly betty is actually ugly in real life" ~ ME
"Whenever I watch Reba I think of Oliver" ~ My Grandmother
"The last girl he fell in love with he hallucinated" ~ Amanda
"Is that sign language for the KFC drive through?"~ Rocky
BRYDEN: "I beat you"
UNCLE JESSIE: "You beat your meat buddy"
"I just want more coffee. I mean i just had a pot but I don't know" ~ Oliver
"Your from the south. Of course God is on your side" ~ Cody
"Too many people just don't speak english. It pisses me off" ~ Oliver
"gay bars are not funny, they're NOT!" ~ Cody
"I went from dating a twelve year old to dating a thirty year old"
ME: "Rocky why is this roof so low and squishy?"
ROCKY: "the roof is caving in"
ME: "isn't that kind of a serious problem?"
ROCKY: "Not Mine"
"Seven hundred dollars a month! That's like a thousand dollars a year!" ~ Tracy Smith
ME: "Mono, that's the kissing disease isn't it?"
UNCLE JESSIE: "the only thing that kids kissing is my ass"
"Doesn't your schedule put a damper on your relationship? (See's rock) oh yea..shit… Oh fuckin well . . . he was gonna find out sooner or later" ~ Uncle Jessie spilling the beans in front of Rocky
ME: "I can't believe you just took off after hitting that guy's car!"
BJ: "you told me too!"
ME: Yea, but you listened to me! That was a bad idea…"
"I'm telling the story the way you'd tell it Adam" ~ Rocky
"Can I just ask how old you are so I don't feel like a pedophile?" ~ Random dude at the Linkin Park concert asking my brothers 15 year old girlfriend.
"You guys are so evil. I don't even know how I get along with you guys." ~ Oliver
"Two men were shot this morning, there are reports that this was a very violent gun fight" ~ Pittsburgh News
"Thank God small pox isn't transferred sexually" ~ Amy
ME: "It's Statch's I can't part with it"
ADAM: "why not, you parted with her real easy"
"I made a fantastic meal for my family again today, my disabled ass family" ~ Yeff
"pull it off MacGyver" ~ Richie
"Babies cry when there born, I think there's something to be learned from that" ~ Oliver
"I was ten years old, a cop couldn't catch me" ~ Andy
ME: "red yeast supplement pill?"
UNCLE JIMMY: "yea it's for a black women's pussy"
UNCLE JIMMY: "yea it makes the whole thing explode!"
"Should I be concerned the special olympics kids aren't here yet?" ~ Julie McGarry
"you guys fuckin'?" ~ Julie W
"I don't even understand why that's funny!" ~ Jeff being in charge of humor
"You've been counting down the hours to your birthday all day and you just had to look at your cell phone for that date! Wow!" ~ Lindsay calling me out
"I just prank called myself, what a fucking idiot I am"~ Calling main line at Famous Footwear from the back room of the shoe store to talk to Lisa who was upfront, then answering the phone when the main line rings out of habit and hanging up on myself.
"I kept my room clean for a week. So i gotta four hundred dollar handbag, ok well only 358 plus tax" ~ Lindsay
"Now we can see the poverty in panorama"~ Oliver's comment when I opened my sun roof in Torrington
ME: "Why are you so good at doing hair?"
LINDSAY: "I hung out with a black girl when I was little"
At Christmas all my Spanish relatives sat at one table, the rest of us gringos sat at another table:
NACHO: "What's the difference between the two tables?"
KAFF: "we're legal"
LISA: "did you smell rich?
BECCA: "all I smell is nuts"
LINDSAY: "that's the kind of truck my dad drives"
ME: "oh he drives a diesel"
LINDSAY: "no! It's a ford"
ME: "Yea Joe Henry works at Champs! . . ."
“I defiantly want to high five you if possible” ~ BJ
“You’re embarrassing me in front Of myself ~ Indy
“You haven’t lived until a midget gives you a hand job” ~ Oliver
“I just burped and my ear drum exploded” ~ Lindsay
“I have a medal from the special Olympics. I got first place” ~ Lindsay
“Don't it make her brown eye blue” ~ Big Rich
“Call them online” ~ Oliver
“I don't even know right from wrong right now” ~ Oliver
DOCTOR: “are you sexually active?”
BIG RICH: “no I usually just lay there”
“I just smoked my last cigarette so you better help me quit for good” ~ Lindsay on April 9th
“I wanna do ballet just to show off my bulge” ~ Richie
LINDSAY: “I need Nair”
ME: “oh, for short shorts?”
LINDSAY: “no for my legs”
ME: “do you like pushing my buttons”
LINDSAY: “no I like pushing your butt”
*I’d be so much easier to argue with this girl if she didn’t make me laugh all the time.
ME: “yes that is a dude”
OLIVER: “but it's wearing a nun outfit”
“Say bagaloon dude, it’s just a funny word” ~ Oliver
“We won it a couple years ago, and we're horseshit. The Cubs haven't won in 100 years, and they're the fucking best. Fuck it, we're good. Fuck everybody. We're horseshit, and we're going to be horseshit the rest of our lives, no matter how many World Series we win. We are the shit of Chicago. We're the Chicago shit. We have the worst owner. The guy's got seven fucking rings, and he's the fucking horseshit owner.” ~ Ozzie of the White Sox on ESPN
“We’re all being brainwashed, don’t believe anything anyone says! There are motherfucking snakes on the plane!” ~ Some kids speech at his elementary school graduation
“It takes twelve squirrels to make a squirrel pie baby” ~ Lindsay
ME: “You know your hick if your dads sitting on a tidy cats bucket in the basement feeding wood into a fire while your brother doing laps around the house on a tractor while moms upstairs dancing to achy breaky heart”
LINDSAY: “Wait, my family does all that!”
“I mean, I broke up with him, it was mutual, he just cried a lot” ~ Lindsay
“Mobile homes were ripped from their foundations” ~ CNN talking about the Tornados
“You look like a big old man” ~ Lindsay
"you look like such a little boy" ~ Lindsay, i can never fucking win with her
“I’m glad 9-11 happened” ~ Oliver, I love taking the things Oliver says completely out of context and putting them on here to make him look like the biggest piece of shit in the world. haha.
“Haven’t you ever wondered why all your girlfriends left you for other guys?” ~ Lindsay telling me I’m annoying and obnoxious.
ZACH: “Bro’s before hoes man”
ME: “Yea but she’s just upset cus’ she wants you to choose her”
ZACH “Yea, cus she’s a ho”
“He said it’s like towing a boat” ~ Lindsay telling her dentist what I said about driving a Dodge Charger
“Do they have air conditioned blankets? Like heated blankets but air conditioned? We should make those; you know how much money we’ll make!” ~ Lindsay
“Yani Tseng, Her name sounds like an Energy drink” – Lindsay making fun of the Golfer who won the LPGA Championship
“What’s a T Pain?” ~ Oliver’s a little, behind.
“What’s a yes” ~ Lindsay never heard of the band Yes’s song roundabout.
“You know what they say, When in Rome…. go to Amsterdam” ~ My dad’s spin on the famous “when in Rome” saying.
“I think you’d know him if you knew who he was” ~ Lindsay
“You don’t know how much you don’t know” ~ Adam all paranoid about the government, I told him he was acting exactly like Dale Gribble, they even have the same voice.
“Osama has a MySpace!” ~ Kath chiming in on our MySpace v.s. Facebook argument
“I heard a voice in my head say a phone number, I asked, what’s that number? And she said, it’s for you” … “will you call it?” ~ Oliver being crazy
“the fires just not big enough to put out the rain” ~ Indy complaining that it was raining after just starting a big fire.
“why do Spanish speaking people ALWAYS have to correct your Spanish when you try to talk to them, we NEVER correct their English, we just brush it off and say, they’ll get it.” ~ Kath
“My mom has to read the directions for Jenga” ~ Richie (she really did)
“It’s just that I say I love you babe so much that I think I say it as just habit now” ~ Lindsay
“Oh, well when I say I love you I mean it” ~ Me
"babe i can't dilate on command" ~ Lindsay
“I ain’t your bitch!” ~ Reid yelling at his GPS for treating him like it’s bitch all telling where to drive and shit!
"whats the haps" ~ me being entire too casual in the business community and forgetting I'm 21
"i just did a strike out by accident" ~ Richie
"i wanna get married in a cave, but any women who'd do that would have a bush, and i don't date those chicks so it'll never happen" ~ Beatle
"this is so much better then spiderman" ~ Lindsay during batman
"they brought guns and we were like, guns thats it? Thats what you brought? ... then they were all yelling "well shoot you!" and i was like ... may be, i guess you could try" ~ Jim being a ballsy smart ass with the Israeli Special Forces
OLIVER: "What if i was black and no one told me"
ME: "Thats funny because i already have a quote of him saying what if i was retarded and no one told me"
OLIVER: "haha who said that?"
ME: "you Oliver"
ME: "we should watch Colverfield during a thunderstorm"
OLIVER: "promise me we'll do that! on acid!"
"i swear to god i just saw a lobster cross the road" ~ Lindsay
"i know he saw me recognize him, but I'm still not gonna say hi" ~ Big Rich at the East Hartland Carnival
"do you like having a girlfriend, and a penis? Cus' your not gonna have either if you do that again" ~ Lindsay after i did the sickest drift in the maxima and wanted to do it again
"i feel like i have Novocain my brain" ~ Oliver after some SoCo on the rocks
"i think i just saw the two cooks kiss each other . . . i guess thats one way to avoid sexual harassment at the work place, which can't be an easy task here" ~ Me at Hooters in Orlando
"welcome to the eighties" ~ Syed said this after command prompt opened (if your from the eighties you might know it as dos)
ME: "i wanna start using makeup"
LINDSAY: "maybe you should start using a new girlfriend"
"She makes me sleep on the side closest to the door in case anything happens that way i die first" ~ Justin
"it was an even race cus' i had Jackie in the car, otherwise i would have won" ~ Zach
"is this enough Zyrtec-D to make meth" ~ Lindsay mocking Walmart for being so strict with their allergy pill restrictions
"I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who's actually articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy, I mean, that's a storybook, man." ~ Joe Biden
"i dont like books" ~ Mike
"Hard alcohol make me forget wear my pants are" ~ Jeff Miles
"Bryan Adams, is he still alive?" ~ Lindsay
"Watching wonder showzen on acid would be like getting tatooed on your dick head" ~ Oliver
"What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull... "lipstick." ~ Sara Pailin
"You can put lipstick on a pig" "It's still a pig." ~ Barack Obama
"Quitting while your ahead, is not the same as quitting" ~ Steven Zaillian
"remember; they're not jail bait in mexico" ~ Guy From School John; creater of jailbaitgallery.com
"women can't play football" ~ Oliver
"i was like, this cop's a douche bag" ~ Lindsay in front of both her sets of grandparents at the dinner table
"CIA was a bit of a departure. I'd love to tell you it was tough to get in. There was a long waiting list. But i reached out to a friend of a friend...my knife skills are what set me apart...It was 1975 and the CIA was still getting more than their share of farm boys, bed wetters, hicks, flunk outs from community colleges and a few misfits for whom CIA was preferable to jail..." ~ Anthony Bourdain of the Travel Channels No Reservations -who crazy Oliver always accused of being in the CIA
"That spider was so big i think it'll take your wallet, it was as big as a crab" ~ Oliver
Andy "How's your day going?"
Wayne "like a goat goings through a dinosaur"
“Pineapple express is the sequel to Polar express!” ~ Lindsay
"if the camera adds ten pounds then those kids in africa must be really skinny" "why don't they feed them cameras" ~ Lindsay
"You Should Fucking Smile AND BLOW ME!... cus i deserve it."~ Mel Gibson
"You smell like Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream farts" ~ Lindsay
"I have an I-Droid" ~ Beatle
"I would be careful when searching Twilight stuff on YouTube at work" ~ Kaff
"I don't need to HAVE children, I date them!" ~ Richie
"Ever Feel Like Sisyphus at Work?" ~ Richie
"If you don't Shut the fuck up, i'm gonna smack you in the face with a Koran" ~ Beatle threatening some Moojie at a bar.
"do you think that refs compare whistles? like hey bill I got a new whistle it's the turbo tweet 5000" Beatle
"Right after dessert be like, By the Way, you just bought dinner for three" - Lindsay explaining how to tell a guy your pregnant at dinner.
"Going forward I would suggest that you stop wearing flip flops on farms or when walking through any kind of fecal matter" - St. Francis Emergency Room Doctor
"I don't wanna live anymore, I got nothing to wear." ~ Lindsay